26 – JULY – 2020
BIENVENIDOS my dear multi-dimensional friends. I am so pleased to have you here, in my blog where a lot of nonsense talks are about to happen.
According to the Mayas calendar, the new year for them starts every 26 of July. So, in honor of that, I decided to write my first post for you today, the first day of the year.
This new year’s personality for me will be shown in absurdly awkward written experiences and insights of our being with amazing mysteries to unravel. Chan Chan Chaaaaaan.
So, Happy MAYAN NEW YEAR and follow me.
I think we could all agree on how insane the last six months of last year (sticking with our Mayan calendar) have been. I mean, massive things happened. Some kind of force and heavy energy had been thrown at us starting with the devastating fires in Australia, then a potential war, Brexit coming up to a world pandemic.. like WHAAAAT. I mean, no wonder why we all got grounded and sent into our rooms for a few months to think about what we did. It was the perfect closure, moms know best. Mother nature was so pissed she grounded us all, some countries had it worse than others… Recently Mexico had a small earthquake. I don’t know about you but I’ll take that as a Mother Nature spank. So yeah, they didn’t just get sent to their rooms with no dinner but also some rough old school «Mexican Chancla» spanking. We needed to get some sense into our hearts.
For me, Lockdown was a very magical moment to observe. Just think about it, when in your adult life you’d have the privilege of being at home with no social, economical, or any other influence that will judge you for just staying at home for months. When will that ever happen again? Just imagine this scenario. One and a half years ago. Whatever you are doing in your life you suddenly decided to drop everything. Start taking online classes instead of going to school, or you change your job to work from home.. better yet, you quit your job. You don’t feel like going out much anymore, you even get your food ordered to your house but you are okay. Eventually, your family is going to come knocking at your door very concerned about your lifestyle. Your aunt would say to everyone that you are a loser with no motivation in life while your mom corrects her, excusing you with some sort of depression issues and your dad would just not get it. So much social pressure if you just want to be at home doing nothing. Mark my words, being at home doing nothing with no judgment from anyone will be ever acceptable in our adult life. Not counting pensioned or retired… which by the way, it’s not so different. They struggle a lot to readapt themselves to not being productive anymore and that takes their identity away and I can see the pain in that. Especially if you are older, I think is harder to reshape your values, knowledge, etc at an older age.
My point is that we should see quarantine as a blessed opportunity. Once more an Infallible mystery of life towards our being and most importantly the realization of it. Realizing our being, that could be the most magical approach to lockdown.
I feel like before going any further, I will explain the concept of this column and that is to interview and see the unraveling perceptions and stories of other magical people. I will present to you other people’s reality and approaches to never wrong mysteries of their life through any spiritual, scientific, healing, etc understandings. Today I bring a stranger to my written show. I am here writing to you from a conversation I had with myself, in awareness. Don’t get me wrong, The blog is not about me writing conversations that I had with my other personalities, sounds a bit schizophrenic. Not there yet hahaha So, please don’t close this, just stay with me hahaha
Today, I woke up to realize how much I have been lying to everyone, including myself on such a big level, so uncontrollable. So, I decided to meditate on this and talk to myself about authenticity, which is something I think everyone struggles with. Trying to be truthful towards yourself in a constantly changing world. It is insane.
I had a wonderful quarantine lockdown, I learned so much from myself. Did and felt so many things. I cried I created, I loved, I got very mad, then very sad, and then very blissful. It was such a powerful journey inside myself but mostly I was trying to observe. I started doing meditation, trying to do some astral protections, I could feel my frequency and vibrations lifting, I was doing, actually, I still do Yoga every day and exercise, became fully vegetarian, going for runs and painting, writing, and reading around 3 books every week. I was finally doing it guys, I had «found» myself during the lockdown. I was feeling so guided inside myself, magical. It was such a big deal for me because having a perception of who I was had been a massive struggle for me all my life. So unstable to who I was always bringing me down and I love hiding that, because people didn’t like me. My classmate once did a meeting with the teachers and talked about how I needed to change because my classmates didn’t like me, so from there, my constant changing to adapt towards other people’s necessities became a necessity of my own, and often it would get out of my control. I dedicated my time to observe the people that surrounded me so I could behave in a way that was acceptable for them. That was kryptonite, that people will not like me for who I was, and within that constant transformation, I lost any connection I had towards myself. Masking became my personality. So, finding this connection to myself, I fell in love. Understandably I wanted to share myself with the world. So long hiding, that I all wanted was to take this baby out for a ride and show it off. Like when you get a new toy and feel excited to show everyone. I was being «Counsciouss» and that was cool. When we get out of lockdown and I get my new job, the first thing I get excited about is to show myself. But, tricky things kept happening to me. This old trauma was still there, just hidden so every time I tried to just «be», I was not being. I had multiple conversations where I ended up being like «Why the fuck did you say that?», most of the things I said were not coming from me, but from somewhere else, and of course, you feel cheated towards yourself and angry because you feel like you have done so much work to end up going back to the beginning. I started panicking and telling myself off like «Hey, you inside there. Behave, we already trained and dealt with this. So be in peace and show everyone you are in that path» hahaha very absurd.
So much impotence into who you are, who are you trying to show everyone you are, and who you are expected to be. It’s a mix of authenticity, ego, and vulnerability. It gets confusing and it’s painful not knowing what to choose. The world makes sure to do everything possible to break down your authenticity. Or, that is how it feels like sometimes. So, to protect our vulnerability, our ego found the solution to lie to ourselves which is the saddest thing you can do. It’s absurd to lie to someone who already knows the truth and from the other person’s perspective, they feel it too. You can tell when someone is being genuine, it’s a feeling. So, I guess what I am trying to come down to is «How do you remain?» Because if it was so easy to break it down was it even real? Then, we come back to this never-ending cycle. «WHO and HOW Am I? It also feels absurd to say who you are in a sentence or a paragraph. It is an insult to your existence to reduce yourself to a concept. I also don’t want that, So many questions to be unfolded with so, I choose to stick to Thruthfullness to start with.
I was listening to a magical very magical Kim Eng´s talking about «Speaking with Authenticity» and the way she explains it is that we are constantly talking from our ego. Talking from a perception or rush towards connection that even when we speak to a stranger we get overly excited and that is not speaking from us, that is not us. So a simple exercise she says is that before speaking take a moment to be still inside yourself to be aware of what you intend to say without any mind interpretation of how it should be. And there is a big difference not just from the things they say but even how they speak and that is being raw. Authenticity comes from being vulnerable. I even find the word «vulnerable» trembling. I remember this time that I was looking awesome, like one of those days where you look INCREDIBLE and you feel good with anything in your life and you are not afraid to show it. I was wearing a beautiful dress with my sandals, walking down the street, ignoring everyone, mingling my ponytail and flirting my eyes around the world, looking at myself in the reflections of the windows and thinking «Damn, I look so good today». You know, and I could also feel people staring at me, you feel that. I knew I look good and I knew they knew I look good and confident and my ego was getting bigger from that. So, suddenly my sandal gets stuck somewhere and I ended up flying across the street, my dress, of course, went up, I gave such a scream of falling that everyone turned around to look. And there I was, so vulnerable. After showing everyone how amazing I looked and I was now on the floor showing my underwear to everyone. The first thing I wanted to do was to start running. I was so embarrassed like a red face embarrassed. I got up and started walking so fast not trying to make any eye contact with anyone and at some point, I started uncontrollably laughing. My coping mechanism couldn’t handle so much embarrassment. Everyone had seen my underwear after being so high up, more vulnerable towards the moment I couldn’t have been. Instead of crying, I started laughing but is the same. It came from the same embarrassment that I felt. For me, that is being vulnerable in the most unconscious way. Unintended and unexpected, that is when chaos arrives. That is what I understood of it, in my way of speaking or dealing with anyone I get thrown off because it is obvious that I will get surprised at people and it feels magical to be vulnerable in chaos. Of course, it feels scary and shocking but is either that or keep lying. Today, I choose to be Thrutful with my vulnerability. That, my friends, is my first new year’s intention.
If you are reading this, I thank you for sticking this long. I send you many many amazing vulnerable sensations and wish you the best now.
12 – NOVEMBER – 2021
It has past over a year and a couple of months since I wrote this. Many things happen over that period, a lot of growing but also a lot of forgetting of who I am. In that time I created TIMoB, I closed it down, and magically today I received an email about someone posting a comment in this blog when I haven’t even received anything about it in ages. Anyway, I log in and read what I wrote months ago, and strangely Viviana of the past needed to write that for Viviana of the future. But I wouldn’t have understood the real meaning of what Vivi of the past was talking about if a dear friend of mine wouldn’t have slapped me in the face first. So, thank you for a big slap in my ego and also, I am sorry. I am truly sorry for involving you in the very chaotic process of my life, I can’t thank you enough for being part of it. I am just really hurt to have hurt someone that I cared for not being aware of myself. I am messy, very messy but I’m looking to turn messines into a very fun ride where I will be working constantly with myself, with love, awareness, dancing, and loads of horrible dad jokes. Soooo you wanna…. be friends again?